It’s 2A.M. She startles out of the nightmare into reality. Her eyes open wide, her brain gets to work and then she realizes it wasn’t a dream. It had happened. She thought sleep will make it go away, how naive of her. It had happened for real. In that moment of realization, there it was again; the pain in her chest that she couldn’t explain to anyone else. Felt like a wound, a fresh deep cut. The only difference was unlike a flesh wound, she couldn’t see this one. The aching from it was all she felt. She had heard tales about pain like this. Some people said they feel it when a loved one dies. It wasn’t death!! She wasn’t grieving about something she had no control over like death. Then why did she feel it? Ohhhh wait!!! it was death. OMG! It was death! She nurtured this affair for years like a baby and now it is dead! That explains it. She felt relief in her chest or so she thought. She shut her eyes, tried to sleep but it just won’t happen. She loved sleeping. Nights used to be her favorite part of the day. Hell! She fell faster asleep than anyone she knew. Yet the night was calm, everyone was off to LaLa land and here she was, begging for sleep to take the pain away.

She opened her eyes, (this is the part she prayed wouldn’t fill her thoughts tonight) “No…no…no.. No God please no” she begged silently. It came every night since it happened but for the past two nights it hadn’t come. She had thought she was getting better, once again how very naive ( diaryofabrokensoul ) ♥      of her. Then they came rolling in, the memories. Every memory of him, from the first time they met ,first date, first kiss, first joke he told her, first time he said ‘I love You’. She smiled. These were her favorite memories. She begged in silent prayer that no more memories should flood her mind. Her brain and heart however, had a mind of their own and those memories- the ones she detested came crashing down on her like a hurricane. Their first fight, first time he made her cry, the lies, the anger, the broken promises, hurt and the first time she saw that dead look in his eyes; the look that said, “I don’t care if you stay or go. You don’t matter that much to me”. But the memory that made her shiver was the cold feeling of what used to be passion-filled love making turned passionless sex as every kiss that use to say a thousand words was just blank and  dead cold.

She shut her eyes, urrrggghhhh the pain. “Could this get any worse?” she thought. Then she felt warm tears run down her cheeks. She couldn’t fight it no more. She buried her face in her pillow in a bid to drown her screams and sobs. She let those tears flow as long as they wanted to. She let all her ruffled up emotions flow from her eyes into that pillow for hours. Then it stopped. Regret, hurt, confusion, doubts, blame, anger, love, all of them wrapped together. She just didn’t feel them anymore. In that moment she realized she was all she had – because no one will hold her or dry her tears at this hour and Dear God!!! how badly she needed that. She raised her head, it was 4A.M. She begged for morning to come quickly. These days’ mornings were her favorite part of the day unlike back then when it used to be the nights. Most of them filled with laughter, cuddling, his sweet fresh smell, long talks in bed, wild passionate love making and his deep manly voice whispering “goodnight” while his lips kissed her forehead. Now she dreaded the night, it reminded her of everything she had lost. Morning was a sigh of relief. She will dress up elegantly, put on makeup, wear her high heels and strut into her office with a smile like a real queen would. No one knows or sees what she is going through, she covers the pain throughout the day and it sure feels good while it lasts; well…. till nightfall. She looks at the clock again, its 4.30A.M. She remembers her faith, her God. Yes, she has him. At all times, He was by her side. She fell on her knees and started to pray, “Dear God…….” Then her phone rings…… (To be continued)


9 thoughts on “DIARY OF A BROKEN SOUL

  1. mado aka thicktotallycute says:

    You definitely got it…who knew the playful Sammy could be this serious and deep.I want to read everything you write from today.Go girl…waiting for the continuation.

    Liked by 1 person

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