To Whom It May Concern,
So…the 14th of February is around the corner and well you can get pissed off at lovers for no reason or go gift shopping depending on your relationship status!
Brothers and Sisters in the Struggle, we are gathered here today on behalf of the sisters who have been in a serious relationship for more than two years and who are of the “marriage age” according to the weird laws of the African Marriage Council chaired by our impatient mothers and aunties.
Oga, no be roses and chocolate or dinner them want this particular Valentines Day! I know because they told me to ask you nicely for what they really want. I’m not good at sugar-coating words so here we go! Unless you give all three of the above with a secret box as part of the deal, it’s about time you give them what they really want. Yi di pain dem say all their friends deh marry go and you are just buying handbags, perfumes , paying for her bridesmaids dress as many times as she is the bridesmaid and going shopping together for other people’s wedding gifts. Oga she no do again o! Prices are rising every day . Every body is a makeup artist with extravagant prices and every canon camera picture is fast becoming 1/2 the cost of the camera itself . So the earlier the better for all of you.
Her pastor can no longer tell her “This year is your year” because he knows he is beginning to sound like a broken record. So this is your 5th valentine together huh? And instead of shopping at a jewelry shop for something that fits her finger size you are looking to buy stuffed teddy bears and chocolates? Well she says I should tell you that she wants to wake up by you every morning and not by a bear like thingy that can’t cuddle her or kiss her good morning and also that she can’t afford any more dental bills due to excess consumption of chocolates so biko, spare her the trouble. She wants you to know that her mother awaits your coming plus she is aware that the bottle of wine her dad never opens up at the top shelf of the home bar which is labelled “For a very special occasion” is sitting there waiting for you.
You still have like 24hrs to change whatever gif t you have that doesn’t come in a very ,very tiny box and meant for a finger only. I trust you won’t let me down. I put in a lot of effort to pass this information on. Thank you. Now go make momma proud. And ohh she says you should make sure her best friend is on standby to record and it has to be a huge surprise too. We agreed to act surprised and pretend like this letter of request never happened. See? It’s all good!
(Official mouthpiece of your 2 years and above girlfriend of marriage age😂😂😂)
Happy Valentines Day Fam!