HEY SINGLES!

“Being single is bad; very bad. For girls being single means you can’t find or keep a man or you are too picky. For the guys; being single means you have commitment issues or you are sexually reckless” – Society

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Dear Future Wifey …(Reply to the “Dear Future Husband” Letter)

Dear future wives,

    We got a reply to our Dear Future Husband letter!!! How amazing is that!!? Y’all remember that right? Well if you don’t , please go back to my previous posts find it, read it and then come catch up! I got this in my mail, with no name and the email address sounds really weird. Am guessing whoever sent it meant to stay as anonymous as possible. Well, Mr Anonymous, I hear you!! And if you are reading this, just let me say you will be a great husband someday and I hope there are many more of your kind out there for my dear future wives.(hahahahha hmmm I am taking this “Future wife spokesperson” job very seriously ooo, Oya wuna pay me). That said, I really appreciate you for reading and taking time out from your travels (you will get what I mean by that when you read the letter) to write a response to the “Dear Future Husband” letter. God Bless your kind soul and grant you your every desire (Ayeeee I bad for cajole readers ooo) Keep reading and sharing! Thank you lots! Oya, future wives enjoy this letter from your dream future husband!

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Dear ”Main Chick”,

 

dearI hope this letter meets you well and by well I mean either in the comfort of his home zapping TV channels like a boss chick or in the “main Chick” seat of his car if he got one(only main chicks know that seat hahahahahaha). How are you? I bet you feel pretty confident about your relationship and all that. Well honey good for you. I don’t mean to burst your bubble or anything like that but i just want to clear up a few things for you. OK? Lets get started then.

   So you are his madam abi? And you are sure of that because? He showed you off to all his friends and you all probably hang out together every time I guess. So that makes you pretty confident about your main chick position huh? Well if it makes you sleep at night, keep driving that fantasy bus. Since we are on the subject of his friends i will like you to know that if he has “duplicates”of you as in your co-main chicks (No, i don’t mean side chicks) they know them by face and name and non of them will ever breathe a word about it to you. Yea, If you didn’t know guys have this thing they honor more than their loyalty to females and its called the “guy code”. They will NEVER tell on their buddy. So while you are busy on the weekends in the kitchen sweating over a big pot of cornfufu because your man told you his friends are coming over for lunch, keep that in mind.

You do remember those classes back in your school days where you learned about different species or classes of things but then the teacher emphasizes on one as the MAIN ONE right? Well the same applies to you if you don’t drop that “main chick” name. (I know its a trendy name but I attach more meaning to it). The fact that you keep referring to yourself as the main chick just means that u acknowledge that in spite of all the other chicks he is doing the dirty with,you are OK with it as long as you are the main chick. So can you please tell me why you are always trying to unblock his phone, check his messages, stalk his Instagram page and walk on tipped toes while he is asleep just so you can snoop around his house? Of course he has side chicks. It’s thanks to them that you are the MAIN chick. There is no MAIN anything without subs or minors.

So here is how we will correct this issue. Say you are his girl, his only woman and  his Queen. Let him know that. Carry yourself with such  grandeur that he can’t help but realize that you are the limited edition of yourself. You are not the head of his girlfriend clan but you are the CLAN itself. If he can’t see that then boo boo trade that Joker card for the King card. You wouldn’t have to be the main chick to a king, you are his reigning queen. So enough of all that “I’m his airport crap. If he flies around he will return on my runway”. Well i have news for you, runways crack and wear out due to continuous usage so pick a better side. Be his airplane and let him reach greater heights with you, sounds better right? So you sleep good at night knowing that in cheap gossip people say “ooh he is sleeping with A but B is his main chick”. Really sister? Really? Now lets go get that crown and show him queening is in our DNA.

No, he is not going to wife you because you played “wife” during your mandate as main chick. There is no guarantee, no insurance so stop playing wife . If he doesn’t see you as wife material or as the right life partner for him no amount of wife role play will change that. So just enjoy your relationship, be you, stop pushing and don’t get too comfortable. However  if you don’t see a future down the road and that is what you want, hand over your crown to the next Missy willing to take her chances with him and take that pretty head of yours to find a better crown. You deserve it. Let the side chicks brag about being the main chick. (Bet they do every time) We both know they don’t matter once you upgrade to queen because then they seize to exist or even better they become your handmaidens and serve you hahahahahaha.

Well, thought I’ll write you this letter in my capacity as a former main chick hihihihihi now queening is what I do and you should too. The world will be a better place with less B*****s, main chicks and side chicks just queens who will someday raise even better queens and why not kings.  P.S. Always keep your chin up, lest your crown falls off. Love You!

Yours Truly,

Sammy.

IT’S CUFFING SEASON SO…..

….Of course I have something to say about it. Okay here we go.

 

So once again it’s that time of the year where some ladies drop their last name, wave their families goodbye at a lavish party and then leave by nightfall to start anew with the guy whose last name they now bear and look forward to making and raising tiny little people who carry both their DNAs. In case I lost you am talking about marriage, weddings and babies. We clear now? OK lets keep it rolling. Don’t know about your country but in mine December is a major season for weddings and billion other celebrations. Some people are literally booked for events everyday till the end of the holiday. Yup,that’s how crazy this season can get. Well, lets forget all those other billion events and focus on ”cuffing” shall we?. “The wedding ring is the smallest handcuff ever made. Choose your cellmate wisely because you both are in for life”. With that in mind, I want to address both singles and newly cuffed people in this article.

So first of all if you are getting hitched, CONGRATULATIONS! That’s a big bold step and requires you to overcome all your fears about life and its unsure nature and just trust completely in love and your partner.You have, so drink to that champ! Now lets talk business. I’m not married so don’t know a whole lot about what you are to expect once this new life begins but well here a few things i think you should take note of

Don’t get caught up in the wedding and forget about the marriage.

I’ll like to quote my mum on this one. She always says ” Everyone will gather, eat, drink, dance and be happy for you but when the night falls , the lights  go out, the  music stops and everyone goes home. That’s when the wedding ends, and the marriage begins.” That celebration is just a day, your marriage is the rest of your life. Don’t be too focused on one and forget the other.

Enjoy Your Day, You cant control every thing.

You are getting cuffed with someone who makes you feel alive and happy. That is all the reason you need to have a good time and enjoy your day. I know it can get so stressful with planning and making sure everything is perfect but you know what, a little ‘crappyness’ always makes a great story later. You will laugh later about how you flipped when the caterer was running late or when your little niece broke a tray of glasses. Dance, laugh and be happy with your friends and family. Moments like this will become rare once you have a family of your own to cater for.

Marriage is a union of three people; You,your spouse and God.

You know all those aunties and uncles from the village or abroad or God knows where? Yea, their opinions don’t really count in your marriage. All those friends, cousins, and in fact your entire family tree have no control over a union that God has blessed. You have a problem with your partner talk it out with him/her, pray about it and seek professional help and counseling if need be. Unless you are maybe in an abusive situation you can tell someone or reach out for help. Others suggest you talk to other people and maybe seek advice in times of crisis. Well I say talk to a professional, because trust me even your bestie has their own bestie and that’s exactly how your private affairs become public knowledge.

OK, we get it. You’re Married.

On behalf of all the single ladies …. hahahahaha I will like to remind married ladies that your not better than any other woman because you no longer bear your dads last name.And contrary to popular belief, some ladies are actually OK with being unmarried. Yes we know it has its perks and all that but just some people are actually OK that way. And some are still searching and waiting on God so when on your wedding day a lady says congratulations to you, no need to reply saying, “Don’t worry hun, your time will come”. Duuuuuuhhhh!!! I Know already. My time will come. So,I beg sister just reply “Thank You” and lets all just get along.

……And Now to the Spinsters and Bachelors.

Well to the single population I just have a couple of things I’ll like to say to you all in light of the cuffing season.

Please, Do Not Crash Any Wedding For Whatever Reason!

Don’t mean to sound like a broken record and please I know the struggle is real….. very real and if your annoying aunt ask you one more time when you are getting married you will snap but sweetie, that’s no excuse to crash every wedding around you hoping to hook up with a potential husband or wife. Sister! Brother! trust me that moment when you will be held up at the entrance by some huge looking guard because you don’t have an Invitation, even your potential husband/wife will laugh and pass you by because that scene won’t be pretty for you and nobody wants the number of the girl or guy who was held up at the entrance for crashing the party. We don’t want that to be you now do we?

Relax and enjoy your life, you both will get there OR the right one will find you.

You don’t have to drag your boyfriend or girlfriend to every wedding to make them see firsthand that your friends are getting married and your still waiting for them to look towards the altar. Marriage is forever and that’s a long time. You need to pray and do not rush love or life. Marry for the right reasons, marry your best friend, marry someone whose ideas you will like to see in your kids, marry for love because every other thing like beauty and wealth fades but real love changeth not. (hehehhehe my inner voice is yelling”preach On Pastor Love”). Not saying its OK for a guy to keep a relationship for 5 years and more with no sign of the aisle. Oga, na PhD of Character Supervision you want? But am saying that if there is progress from you both and effort towards that direction then don’t rush it, let love run its slow but deep course and you both will get there. Here is what i believe; if you love someone and if it is meant to be, though it may take some time and little hurdles too, but you will do whatever it takes to be with that person. You will be patient, understanding and kind so that in the end You will say “It was all worth it”. So in the meantime, enjoy your relationship, laugh often and worry not, Your last name will change when God sees that you are strong enough to handle marriage and build a home.

Like I said am no counselor or specialist, just a young observant lady who likes to share her thoughts with amazing people like you. Am particularly excited this cuffing season because for the first time am going to be a bridesmaid and also for the first time a maid of honor.So am really looking forward to this experience and who knows next cuffing season I partake in, I just might be the bride. hahahahahahaha … I see my friends reading this and rolling their eyes but yes, i said it. HAHAHAHA!!But Darling, till then I’m living, laughing, learning, and loving life and I highly recommend you do the same. You.Yes You!!!

Love. Samy.